The White Stripes

I have seen a few too many young Asian tigers fail to get within mauling range of the great-white-hunters only because they approach them wrong. What follows is a rough guide to the types of white people found on a trading floor that hopefully make the difference between Republic Day and the Sepoy Mutiny:

1. Steven Seagal

This tough son of a bitch thinks he's Asian. Not Asian as in a lover of chinese food, women and culture. No, I mean he thinks he's slit-eyed, small-cocked, straight-haired proper Asian. This guy wants nothing more than to be told the secrets of your culture and language. Indulge him in his moronic quest for Eastern enlightenment and you will soon find yourself a VP. Then get together with the other Desis and the Triads and send him into retirement in Tibet.

2. Chuck Norris

This badly dressed, weather beaten monstrosity is from some obscure part of a Western country. All his millions have not changed his outlook on life or on personal hygiene. Despite management pressure and the racial integration guidebooks, he still thinks of Vietnam when he sees Orientals and Apu when he sees Indians. The best way to play Mr. American-History-X is to behave like the Asian manservant that he thinks you are. Eventually you'll find yourself doing so much of his work that you can fit seamlessly into his role when he retires to fuck cowboys down in Montana.

3. The White Chris Tucker

This harmless Westerner's only view of Asians are as comic fodder. There is no real racism in his mind, its just that we look/smell/sound fucking hilarious. He has no objection to working with Asians, eating Asian food or boning Asian women. In short, he is the perfect boss or teammate and you will eventually use him as the investor front man for your hedge fund.