Jungle Guides

Nobody is capable of making it through Wall Street without a jungle guide. Someone to help a hapless novice past the blood-sucking theta bushes, to avoid the poisonous vega snake and to get out of the way of the thundering commodity play. These are a few characters that have tried to mentor me in my short time on Wall Street (they all male because if you have a female boss on Wall Street, you are already too far gone to be helped):

1. The Mister Miyagi

This mild-mannered, yet deadly if fucked with, Asian man prepares you for the real world by forcing you to incessantly repeat inane tasks. You do nothing of any significance for your first few years on the job. Abruptly he will then shove you into harm's way, helping a client hedge his currency exposure in Pakistani GDRs.

Upside: The nitty gritty of your job becomes second nature, so your mind is completely free to concentrate on the important, strategic stuff. Like why you are balancing on one leg on a pole in the middle of the fucking ocean.

Downside: There is no way to hedge your currency risk in Pakistan. Your client, and thus you, are fucked.

2. The Gordon Gekko

This evil white man will put complete and utter faith in your intelligence, street smarts and complete lack of ethics to turn you into a ruthless money-making machine. You will learn how to rip off clients, fudge PnL and generally walk around like your dick is 8 feet long. The scraps off this man's plate will upgrade you from your student dive to a penthouse apartment overlooking the city crammed full of the best new toys.

Upside: You're rich bitch. Optional time-share of his leggy whore.

Downside: He punches you in the mouth, you sell out your father's firm and you become a rapper's bitch in prison. Soul is lost never to return.

3. The Simon Cowell/Tyra Banks

This bastard can be of any race/colour or creed. He will insist on making you look retarded for the smallest mistakes and his speech on what an idiot you are will take longer than simpler explanation of how to fix the problem. On the flip side, he runs an immensely sucessful business and the price of hanging on his coat-tails is you get hit by his shit in the face.

Upside: You develop skin of steel. Spectacle of your humiliation also draws attention to your group, increasing visibility and bonus pool.

Downside: He will always be making more money than you. He will also probably only keep you on the show for a few seasons.