How you know when a trader is losing money

1. He starts listening to Research people

Research is the Appendix in the body of an Investment Bank. Noone knows how they really bring in revenue, but Investment Banks have always had Research divisions and they always will. A trader who has lost his confidence and is bleeding from every pore will suddenly cling to these model-loving morons. He will patiently absorb valuations, industry trends, technical analyses, economic forecasts etc. He will then lose more money...or..God forbid..he actually makes money..he will give the Research guy what he lives for...a "good call mate". The Research guy will get up, grab a copy of the relevant report and head straight to the loo for a quick wank. The trader will go back to ignoring Research people.

2. He starts working on "technology projects"

Traders who are making money use only 3 things: brains, testicles (female traders have them too) and a calculator to add up all the money they are making. However traders who lose money, suddenly load up on all forms of exotic technology. Valuation spreadsheets, trading algorithms, risk metrics and porn management tools. This ofcourse involves close interaction with the other unnecessary organ in the Investment Banking body: Technology...or The Tonsils. Technology is intended to help you solve problems and protect your business, but for some reason the department only seems to get bigger, get yellow and brown (from its inital days as pink) and eventually give you a sore throat from all the screaming. Technology people also generally love to get in trader's pants and give their nuts a good lick. Therefore a trader losing money can atleast see his reflection in his shrunken nuts by the time he makes money. The small joys of life.

3. He will start "managing" people

Traders often forget that they are upper management in a large company. They treat other traders like best friends and cover for them at every opportunity and they treat everyone else like dirt. A loss-making trader however, is a menance. He (oh alright, bloody hell it could be a she also) starts treating everyone like shit. Interns/analysts are put to work on the "projects" described above and learn sweet buggerall for the rest of their internship/first year. He examines the books of the rest of the team and "suggests" trades in markets he knows very little about. He sucks up to management making even his ever more frequent trips to the loo seem bonus-worthy. In short, he becomes an investment banker...a fate only slightly worse than death.

4. He starts trading options. Often.

Shortly afterwards, he is carried out on a stretcher by security. But only after every single man, woman and child (i.e. other traders) in the firm has given him a swift kick to the head (explains the stretcher no?).